Putting on the Pounds

Exercise has quickly fallen away from my daily schedule- as was horridly illustrated by a brightly lit dressing room mirror yesterday right before I hopelessly struggled to pull a pair of size small maternity pants  up over my thighs.  Ugh, they were tight even around the ankles.  A lot of factors added up to produce a pretty bad attitude- pale, pale thighs; the kind of unnaturally bright light one would require for destroying a nation of vampires at once; what from my angle of viewing looked like cellulite from my ass down to my knees; unstretchy fabric not suitable for pants; an idiot salesperson talking me out of the one thing i was there to buy; and not having showered thinking i was just making a quick produce run.  All these things at once made me feel like a hideous beast.  Oh, and I wasn't even wearing makeup.

A lot of it is that it's winter.  Who looks slim under so many layers?  When I'm at home in dim light and the heat is cranked I look quite lovely in a vintage black slip with the cups actually well-filled for the first time.  But  I feel like that marshmallow man from Ghostbusters when I step out:

 And putting boots on requires a little rolling around on the floor.

 I did end up getting the maternity band for my jeans I needed.  I can wear my larger jeans as long as they aren't buttoned or zipped.  Stupid lady at the maternity store said no, no, that's not what I want- it's only for the first trimester.  It's actually for the duration of your pregnancy AND afterward.  So I just paid full price for it at another store.

Another thing I've found so disheartening is how every Prenatal Yoga video is so sub-par and even offensive.  The instructors talk to me as if I've regressed to being a 4 year old.  With high pitched narratives, giggling, and stupid comments like, "Now reach down to your toes.  can you see them?  *giggling*  well not for long!"  "say hi to your baby!  hi baby!"  Shut the hell up!!!   Instead of finding yoga relaxing and concentrating on my body and the stretches I find myself becoming enraged and imagining hitting these women over the heads with shovels.  Visualizations of violence are not meditative.  The models they use are ugly and dressed so frumpy.   They don't use the pose names like I've never practiced before.

I ended up doing regular yoga and began to chill out.  I tried to avoid what was probably bad for me and felt super afterward.  I need a great yoga video for this pregnancy.  One that treats me like I'm still an adult and didnt lose my brain to inane googliness and pink rubber duckies.

Oh, the two that come to mind are the Gaiam Prenatal Yoga DVD and the Crunch Mama video.  If you've never worked out before and were super into baby crap before you were pregnant and happened to lose most of your brain in a tragic accident- maybe you would enjoy these.

In other news, I broke a three day constipation spell by releasing into the wild a Loch Ness in a local Irish pub.  Yup.